


Team Kakashi AKA The Team From Hell

by drelfina



Category: Naruto
Genre: Drabble style fic, Everyone lives, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Kakashi hates Minato so much, M/M, Multi, Namikaze Minato Lives, Nohara Rin Lives, OT4 universe, Shisui has hijinks for once, Uchiha Obito Lives, Uzumaki Kushina Lives, Yondaime lives, crack taken semi-seriously, team fic, vignette style
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-14
Updated: 2020-02-06
Packaged: 2020-03-04 23:21:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 14,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18822847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drelfina/pseuds/drelfina
Summary: Sixteen-year-old jounin Hatake Kakashi doesn't like his newest assignment - be a jounin-sensei to the newly formed Team 7.If he didn't respect Minato-sensei so much, he probably would have thrown the mission scroll in his face.Still, all he has to do is fail them, right? Then he can go back to reading his books.***vignette/drabble style fic, Team Kakashi aka the OT4 universe aka Kakashi did not sign up for this.NB: The main story is COMPLETE, but I am still adding OUTTAKES and OMAKE scenes. Latest update: chapter 13: OMAKE 8: Distraction





	1. Meet Team 7

**Author's Note:**

> So the crack thing - as usual - is that Rikacain and I were pondering Kishimoto's terrible time-line - or really, complete lack of timeline. 
> 
> but anyway, after growling at the ages of everyone, we realised that if we tweaked it a little, or made certain assumptions, Iruka, Tenzou and Shisui could ALL be the same age. 
> 
> Granted, they all graduated from the Academy at WILDLY different times but -
> 
> What if Yondaime had survived and mandated that, in accordance to the wishes of Shodaime and Nidaime, there shall be no child soldiers - and therefore, no one was allowed to take the Academy Graduation Exam before the age 12 - homeschooled or not, you cannot be considered genin until you take the Mandatory Academy Graduation Exam. 
> 
> Which puts Iruka, Shisui and Tenzou at age 12, forming Team 7 all of their own. 
> 
> And Kakashi, poor put upon 16-year-old jounin Kakashi, as ripe for jounin-sensei. 
> 
> Minato thinks he needs to spend time with his own age-mates after all.

Minato was a horrible, horrible person. 

Kakashi hid on the rooftop, watching the genin, the _kids_ walk out to gather below him. 

A genin team! Him! Be a jounin-sensei! 

_"You need to interact with kids your age, Kakashi-kun,"_ Minato-sensei had said, smiling brightly and Kakashi wished, _wished_ he could punch him. 

But Rin was doing something unmentionable to the seals behind Minato and if he hit Minato-sensei, Rin would probably sit on him, and then Kushina would probably come and haul him around by the ear. 

Kids. his age. 

Bullshit. 

Kakashi might be just about the youngest jounin in Konoha right now at sixteen, but those genin down there? They were _children_. Absolute children. Look at that one over there - tiny scrawny thing with a tuft of brown hair , wide-eyed and baby-faced, he probably would fall over and skin his knee and cry for his mother, like every other kid 'his age' had done in the Academy. 

Kakashi considered this a little more. 

Well he had to _interact_ with them, but the scroll he'd gotten on Jounin-sensei duties had said he only needed to test them. To _his_ standards. If they didn't meet it, then… well. 

He'd have done his best - it wouldn't be his fault that this bunch of twelve-year-old genin didn't make the cut, right? 

He knew that, generally, as soon as he'd become Yondaime, Minato-sensei's edict that there would be no early graduation technically was a good thing, not allowing child-soldiers that was a huge problem in the past. It meant that only twelve-year-olds could take the Academy Graduation exam, so all of them were - well nowhere the standard that _Kakashi_ had been at twelve. 

They'd fail his test and he could go home and get another mission. Yes. 

*** 

"So we're here, and .. he's not," the boy said. 

Well the long-haired boy with the scar on his face. 

Shisui didn't know who he was, he'd just been given the slip of paper telling him his team designation and where to meet his jounin-sensei. 

He hadn't been in the Academy very often, only attending compulsory lectures for his age and for mass team training exercises; otherwise he'd been homeschooled. The Academy Exam had been laughably easy - the test for becoming _Uchiha_ had been harder. 

Still his hitai-ate was shiny, and Shisui was tentatively hopeful that something exciting will happen today. 

"What's your name?" he asked the scarred boy. They were all Team 7, so he might as well start there. 

"Iruka! Umino Iruka," the boy said. "It's cool to graduate huh? I did ask the teachers if I could test out early since I turned twelve so early but they said no anyway. And who're you?" 

"Uchiha Shisui," Shisui said. "Nice to meet you." he glanced to the third boy - a quiet wide-eyed boy who looekd like he wanted to fade into the background. "And you are…?" 

"Tenzou," Iruka chirped. "He's shy. He's my friend." 

"From the Academy?" 

"Sorta. We met at the exam hallway," Iruka grinned. "So hey, you think we're … not too early?" 

"Maybe," Shisui started, when Tenzou suddenly jerked, looking up - 

A shadow leapt down over them, balancing neatly on the training post into a tidy crouch. 

Silvery haired, a masked teenager who was probably not that much older than them. A tanto strapped to his back and dark eyes raking over all of them. 

If it weren't for the jounin armband on his bicep, Shisui might have thought the teenager was a chuunin. 

"So you're my genin-team," the teenager said. 

"Wow," Iruka said, eyes wide. "That's cool, where were you just now?" 

The teenager gave them ALL a look that might almost be derisive. "Around. So now i have to test you before I actually take you on. If you fail, you all get to have to take the exam again next year." 

He sounded quite pleased about it, too. 

Shisui scowled a little as Iruka yelped, "That's not fair, they wouldn't even let me take it earlier -" 

The teenager was eying Iruka with something like fascination. 

The sort of fascination you gave something before you stabbed it. 

"You're Silver Fang Hatake Kakashi," Shisui said suddenly, putting together the silver hair, the tanto, the incredible young age. 

There weren't that many jounin in what looked like their mid-teens, after all. 

Kakashi swung that heavy glance to Shisui. "Very observant, Uchiha," he said. "Now for the test. See if you can catch me. You have till sunset." 

Then he fucking disappeared. 

*** 

"That was -cool," Shisui said, all wide-eyed wonder and Iruka poked him. 

"How'd you know who he was?" 

"The hair," Tenzou said, softly, quietly. "And his tanto." 

"It's just a sword," Iruka said. 

"It's not just any sword," Shisui said. "That's the White Light Chakra Sabre. It's a Hatake heirloom and treasure." 

Huh. Iruka'd heard of this Kakashi guy. He knew he was supposed to be one of the most deadly, most accomplished and best jounin in Konoha. He'd never _seen_ him - and Shisui already looked quite awed. 

"Okay," Iruka decided. "We have until sunset?" 

"That's in less than two hours," Tenzou volunteered very quietly. 

"And he's very fast," Shisui said, a little dreamily. "Wait. Fuck. I should go _find_ him!" 

"No," Iruka said grabbing Shisui's sleeve before he could move. "The Village is huge! We can't just run off on our own, we gotta be careful about it. What can _you_ do?" 

"Whaddya mean?" 

"Tenzou, tell him what you can do." 

The kid Tenzou hesitated, then reached out to the post that Kakashi had been crouching on earlier, and it suddenly sprouted leaves, branching towards Tenzou's hand. 

"You have - a mokuton?" Shisui said, eyes wide. 

Tenzou ducked his face, hunching his shoulders. 

"Yeah, isn't it cool?" Iruka said, grinning widely. He had a new best friend already. "So what can you do?" 

"Oh - here," Shisui grinned back, and then blew through the seals and then spat out a huge fireball the size of Tenzou himself at the post. 

Tenzou leapt back just as the flame rushed past, and continued on, leaving a charred stump before dying out. 

"Fantastic!" Iruka said, plan falling into place. "That's gonna be so useful!" 

Shisui looked quite chuffed. "Yeah! It's the biggest in my Clan!" he cocked his head at Iruka. "So he's got mokuton, I got the giant fireball technique - which, I must add, is like the _best_ \- what do you have?" 

"Me?" Iruka said, and his smile turned evil. "I have a map of the village and _traps_." 

***

Kakashi was lounging on top of Yondaime's head on the Hokage monument reading. It had been ages since he'd had the time to break in the new book - as much as he didn't like the idea of a genin team, at least it was basically giving him a free evening. And probably all night too, before he had to report failing his team in the morning. 

The kids weren't even very highly skilled - their chakra so obviously genin level that he'd feel them a miiiile away before they could even get within touching distance. 

A nice evening to read the newest Icha Icha - 

Something touched his ankle .

He frowned, shifted and looked - it was just a weed, waving in the warm breeze. 

Huh. 

He turned back to his book, brushing ash off the pages. 

… ash? 

The breeze picked up and suddenly Kakashi was smelling more than just ash - there was a sharp crackle in the air, because the forest below was _on fire_. 

Kakashi sat up, frowning and then suddenly something looped around his ankle, pulling at him and Kakashi had his tanto out at once, slashing at the hand - it was a … weed? The stalk dangled and the fire _roared_ and leapt towards him. 

… His team included a fucking _Uchiha_. 

"Shit," he said out loud. 

Obito hadn't been very good at the Uchiha signature katons when they first met. He'd been the lowest ranking graduate, in fact. He was a pretty decent jounin _now_ , but he hadn't been all that great eight years ago. 

And Uchiha Shisui, Kakashi abruptly remembered according to the team-list, had graduated top of the batch. 

"Shit," he said again, just to repeat it. The forest was on _fire_. He turned to run, even as he felt something brush against his other ankle. 

He was going to be in such TROUBLE - Uchiha started fires, not _stopped_ them!

He pushed through the seals for a suiton, directing it to the trees flaming a fucking inferno - and basically shrouded the entire mountain in heavy steam that steamed him a little. 

He was going to shake that little brat. 

"Heads up!" shouted a gleeful voice to his right, and then both the Uchiha and Umino burst out of the steam from either side, grinning fit to split their faces - and Uchiha Shisui blew another katon into Kakashi's _face_.

It meant he had to duck and spin. 

He was being attacked - his automatic reaction was to run, put distance between him and the attacker, so he could observe. 

With the heavy steam from his suiton in the air, the fireball sputtered out quickly, but there was just more steam wet and thick, but Kakashi could run onto the trees, and keep going, push through the thick steam and lose his opponents - 

He was three huge leaps away before he heard one of them - Umino - yell out, "Tenzou, NOW!" 

And then his ankle was suddenly caught and he nearly slammed nose first into the tree trunk. If it weren't for his chakra, his ankle might have snapped. 

Before he could cut at whatever had got him caught, ropes dropped down with enough force to hit him in the shoulders and force him down - chakra infused net. He'd cut out of it easily, if - 

The ends suddenly were anchored down, fusing with the nearest tree and a rope snagged his hand holding his tanto. 

No .

It wasn't a rope. It was a VINE. 

Before Kakashi could just, use his bare hands and chakra to tear himself free, someone landed on his back, slamming air out of him. 

"Hi," Umino said landing in front of him. "So, Kakashi-sensei, we caught you." Grinning. 

Hands on the back of his shoulders, and then Shisui was leaning over him to beam at him. "We pass don't we?" 

Kakashi glanced down to see the last of his benighted genin team slink out from the shadow of the trees, looking up at him and. 

Damn. It. 

He didn't sag but he really wanted to.

* * *

Minato had laughed at him so hard when he finally had to report in the morning that Team 7 had passed their jounin-sensei's test. 

"Shoulda tried the bell-test, kid," Obito said from the hallway as Kakashi slumped out. 

Kakashi flipped him the bird and stomped out faster as Obito laughed louder.

* * *

The problem was that now that they were officially Team 7 and Kakashi their extremely reluctant jounin-sensei, he had to read their profiles in more detail. 

And then realise that it was complete bullshit within a week of missions with them. 

Uchiha Shisui, top-scoring rookie of the year, had performed perfectly in each and every test and mandatory exercise that the Academy had thrown at him, and his write up had him placed as most promising. 

Tenzou, no family name, one of the official orphans from the war that Minato had quelled eventually, had been entirely homeschooled, barely attending 80% of the mandatory exercises (and had been appropriately excused from the rest) , and scored 54 percentile in the batch. 

Umino Iruka, orphaned after both parents died on a mission to Grass, was the poorest scorer in his year, easily distracted and with poor attendance at the Academy due to him playing hooky constantly and running wild all over the Village. Kakashi would have identified him as the problem child of the team. 

It seemed like a perfectly balanced team. 

Except… 

Iruka latched onto Tenzou almost at once, deciding to become his best friend, and making dramatic and destructive use of his ability to manipulate plants to do whatever came to his mind as brilliant and hilarious. And then instead of being the properly disciplined Uchiha Kakashi might have expected, Shisui not only egged them on, he discovered the explosive properties of various woods when high heat was applied. 

The _mess_. 

Kakashi scrubbed his forehead, as Iruka argued with their client - technically they had asked for the field to be cleared. 

It was…. Cleared. 

Of trees, at least. 

And then Shisui joined in and he was a Clanner that was for sure. 

Because he browbeat the man into accepting and paying through sheer tone. 

"Kakashi-sensei!" Shisui bound up to him "Here's your share!" 

Kakashi hadn't done D-rank missions in _so_ long, it jolted him to remember that he technically had a share too, since he'd spent the entire time trying not to look horrified when Shisui had left the field covered in a fine layer of ash. 

"Thank you," he said, finally, accepting the envelope, frowned at it, and then glanced up to see the tail end of a smile from Shisui that. 

Wasn't just the sunny smile of a pyromaniac who'd gotten to set fire to a lot of things. There was something almost hopeful in it too. 

"Yeah, we're gonna go and get lunch, are you gonna come along?" Shisui asked. "Kakashi-sensei." 

"The mission is over," Kakashi started. 

"It's for team-bonding," Iruka interrupted, coming over, Tenzou trailing a quiet three paces behind and now Kakashi had three pairs of large eyes staring at him like puppies. 

Team-bonding. Obito would probably hit him and then sit on him and _laugh_ if Kakashi turned down _team-bonding_. 

"Fine," he said. Eyed them. "You're paying for yourselves though." 

Iruka cheered. "Ichiraku!" Grabbed Tenzou by the arm and started towing him into the village. 

As Kakashi turned to follow, he caught the edge of Shisui's smile - bright, and oddly sweet.

* * *

Three weeks into having the team, Kakashi opened his door to find Iruka on his doorstep. 

"I'm genin," Iruka said, shrugging. 

That took almost two minutes thought before he realised what it meant. Konoha's orphanages weren't exactly bursting, but there weren't that many shinobi who could run it - particularly since shinobi orphans weren't easy to handle for civilian caretakers. And after the war - well, all able-bodied shinobi were running actual missions out of the village. 

(like Kakashi ought to be doing) 

"I suppose Tenzou will be along then?" Kakashi said with some resignation as Iruka dragged his bags into his apartment. 

"Yup." 

Kakashi exhaled. 

*** 

"Oh that's nice," Minato said to Kakashi. "Here you go, the orphan stipend for Tenzou, Iruka and Shisui." 

"What," Kakashi said, eying the three thick envelopes. 

"Didn't you know? Shisui is an orphan too." 

"What," Kakashi said again because why was he suddenly housing _three orphans_? 

Minato's smile was bright and sunny as his toddler's, as he dawdled him on his lap. "It's not much, of course it's best if they can share an apartment, but it's a little crowded at your place, ne? What's the state of the Hatake compound anyway?" 

"I hate you," Kakashi said, flatly. 

*** 

Had Kakashi had his own orphan stipend? He didn't know - he'd gone straight to staying with Minato-sensei after his father had died, and had never gone back. Minato-sensei had taken care of everything, careful and kind. 

Now he had three fat envelopes that were, according to the paperwork, meant to provide food, clothing and housing for his three orphan genin. 

He tried to give Shisui's to Uchiha Fugaku. 

"Oh no," Fugaku said. "Shisui would benefit much _more_ staying with his genin team." 

When he complained about it to Obito, Obito had just laughed till he cried. 

Which just told him that the entire Uchiha clan had _known_ just what kind of hellion Shisui was, and were happy to foist him onto Kakashi as soon as was legal. 

Fuckers, all of them. 

*** 

Kakashi's bachelor's apartment had been perfectly affordable with just his salary and regular missions. 

It still was fine with his salary and the orphan stipends, but it was a tad cramped with three growing boys laying around in his bedroom - and he was pretty sure that Iruka was trying to sneak into his bed. 

Then Shisui set fire to the kitchen. 

"It's simple, if it says medium heat for half an hour, full boil would be five minutes," Shisui was saying while Kakashi put out the flames. 

"That's not how it works, look, I'll cook next time," Iruka told him. 

Then Tenzou expanded Kakashi's _bed_. 

With giant roots and tendrils and all. 

"It's more space," Iruka told Kakashi, "and it'd be more space efficient!" 

And … Shisui said he was used to communal living - food and more people around, and Iruka was touch-starved and loved snuggling in between the others and Tenzou looked so surprised that people wanted to hug him that Kakashi didn't know how on earth he'd been convinced that this was okay. 

And it might have still worked. 

Until Shisui managed to flood AND blow up the building's laundry room.

* * *


	2. Dog Roses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Team settles in. And then the non-chronological snippets begin! 
> 
> The theme of today is.... Dog Roses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't wait to just post this part - because this is when it starts getting CRAZY. 
> 
> The fic's finished, but I will also take prompts and ideas if they fit with the fic. This style of writing is the BEST for prompt-drabbles :D

Tenzou didn't mind where they went; he was accomplishing his mission. It was fortunate that everything so far had been so pleasant - Iruka … Iruka was extra kind and wasn't scared of his mokuton, and insisted on him using it as much as possible. 

When Kakashi-sensei took them to their new place, well, it had seemed pleasant, if a little overgrown. 

There were dog roses everywhere, and they whispered with excitement when he touched a rose petal. Someone here to feed them, to help them grow, to trim competition and water them. 

It was nice. 

"Dog roses, huh," Shisui had said. 

"It's part of the Clan's motif," Kakashi-sensei had said, a little stiffly, and stiffened even more when Shisui had leaned in and hugged him. 

Shisui was growing like - a weed - they all were, Tenzou knew. Kakashi-sensei had just bought clothes for all of them earlier. Or rather, threw them into a shop and an envelope of money at the shopkeeper and hid out in a bookstore. 

But new clothes that Iruka had helped pick out and Iruka said he looked good in? It was very nice.

And now Shisui was only a head shorter than Kakashi, and probably still had a little more to grow. It made Kakashi-sensei look awkward trying to side-step the hug and then obviously give up. 

Shisui and Iruka were huggers; Tenzou had given up trying to dissuade Iruka a long time ago - it wasn't even unpleasant after all. 

*** 

Tenzou had thought that the Hatake compound was fairly nice. Less trimmed and caged than most of the streets of Konoha, but not wild like the forests outside the village walls. It seemed on the more managed side of unruly, and Tenzou had liked it. 

The place hadn't survived one night of Shisui attempting to cook dinner. 

"For someone whose name is _Still Water_ ," Kakashi-sensei observed, "you have a disturbing tendency to set shit on fire." 

"The instructions said heat on _high_ ," Shisui said. 

"That means, like, fire up the pot's sides, not a giant katon," Iruka said. "I should do the cooking -" 

"Tenzou," Kakashi-sensei said, very evenly, "do you think you can set up some tents?" 

"I could rebuild a small... House?" Tenzou offered instead. 

Kakashi-sensei had looked mildly surprised. "Alright, try that." 

*** 

The house was a lot smaller than the original building, but Kakashi-sensei had nodded approvingly - it didn't seem to bother him that the original building(s) were gone and everything was more or less ash. 

He had been pleased when Tenzou encouraged the dog-roses to regrow too - the root systems hadn't been touched by Shisui's accident and with all that ash, as pretty decent fertilizer, the dog rose bushes were a very pretty tangle that Tenzou shaped around the small house. 

And it would have been alright until they all had food poisoning. 

"Oops," Iruka said.

* * *

Their team was a team of power houses, Iruka knew. It wasn't hard to figure out quickly: Shisui was not only Uchiha with all that it meant in terms of growing up with confidence (even with his parents dead) and connected to family, he had Uchiha Clan jutsu down pat, and the ability to lay waste to entire forests. 

Tenzou could _replant_ said forests, tangle up their targets if they needed to be, drag them down and pin them in. 

He could do a lot worse, Iruka knew. 

They had graduated from D-ranks within the Village into C-ranks out into the neighbouring areas within two months. A stray encounter with two missing Iwa-nin had Kakashi breaking out his jutsu to really show why he was known as Silver Fang, and Shisui had been walking around head in clouds for days. 

And Iruka? 

It would have been easy to fall to the wayside, it really would have, if you looked only at power. 

But since he was the one who had planned on capturing Kakashi-sensei when he had been trying to fail them (And Iruka heard the rumours later, he _knew_ that Kakashi had had no intention of having a genin-team) he was team _tactician_. 

He plotted the missions, designed the traps, had Tenzou build them if there was a need, and Shisui and Kakashi-sensei were the ones who herded. 

He also was the one who made the poisons and explosives, because Shisui needed the help in exploding shit. 

C-ranks got rapidly more … exciting, especially since it meant that Kakashi-sensei stopped reading his orange books on missions and actually participating and Shisui … 

Well, everyone on the team knew Shisui had a _thing_ for fast people and speed, and the son of the White Fang and student of the Yellow Flash was no slouch in that department. 

Iruka knew where his strengths lay was all, and Tenzou was always there to make sure Iruka stayed safe while Shisui pushed himself to match Kakashi's speed in herding their marks into very well laid poison traps. 

Yeah, his team was powerhouses galore, Iruka thought, as roots whipped out to snag their targets' legs and snap thigh bones, but Iruka was the one who kept them together. 

*** 

After that time Iruka's cooking made Shisui vomit literal fire, Iruka was banned from the kitchen for _life_. 

It wasn't that Iruka was a bad cook. He made decent food, but he also was more or less resistant to much of the chemicals he used in constructing traps, explosives and drugs, and when he wasn't paying attention, he had a tendency to be… a little sloppy in what equipment he used. 

There was an 75% chance that what he handed you was probably edible. The other 25% of time had a tendency to make life incredibly interesting, as the strange glass structure displayed in the living room now attested. 

Tenzou hadn't realised that liquid fire and sand made glass. 

Shisui wasn't allowed to cook because of his love for higher, faster, hotter, so it fell to Tenzou and Kakashi-sensei to do it. 

Tenzou didn't LOVE cooking, but he meticulously followed recipes, and no one has burned down any buildings after eating his utterly uninspired curry so that was alright. 

*** 

Shisui was utterly charmed when he first saw Kakashi's nin-ken. 

"The Uchiha have ravens," Shisui said, "Soon I'll probably be allowed to make a contract with my own. But they're not cuddly." 

And here Shisui was far more like Obito than any other Uchiha that Kakashi knew - He was incredibly tactile, always trying to slot himself up against Kakashi, prop himself on iruka's back, snag Tenzou by the arm. 

He'd understand where Iruka's skin-starvation came from, because Iruka was incredibly outgoing and needed contact, but Shisui was Uchiha - and apparently loved getting buried by Kakashi's own half-grown ninken. 

Kakashi didn't mind that, not really. Living in the Hatake compound meant he could let out his pack more often, and Shisui always took them running.

And Shisui would make them snacks, getting meats and actually controlling his fire to gently dry meat strips into jerky .

Kakashi's nin-ken loved Shisui. 

Now if only they'd stop calling him the Boss' mate.

* * *

Shisui had always loved the wind. He's fairly good with air-release techniques, they fed well into his katon after all. 

But he particularly loved the feel of wind in his face, dragging through his hair. 

He loved running fast, trying to match the liquid lightning grace of Kakashi-senpai in their training sessions, in their missions. 

Pushing the ultimate limits of the shunshin had made his _life_ , especially when Kakashi-senpai had _looked_ at him with something heated and almost undefined, and that he hadn't pulled away when Shisui had, fourteen and reckless, pulled him in and kissed him on his masked mouth, wind-blown laugh still on his lips. 

It was inevitable that he'd fuck up one day. 

It was also inevitable that the first thing they'd do was break his legs. 

Being trapped and grounded was probably the worst thing he'd ever felt. 

But then Kakashi-senpai came for him, with the baying of hounds, and the ground ripping up around him and wood curling around and keeping him safe as in a cocoon of bark and pith, as the air screamed with the voice of a thousand birds.

* * *

Once Shisui made the shunshin his own, there was no stopping him. 

He was fire on speed, a literal demon of wind and flame, and to be fair, if Kakashi didn't have the tricks that Minato had showed him, and if he didn't train regularly with his dogs, he would have been hard-pushed to keep up with Shisui. 

It had only taken two years for Kakashi to no longer be able to win races with him for real. 

Tenzou was a monster of his own right, changing entire ecosystems as the earth moved under his own command, and the speed of his branches could send the hell-demon that was Shisui into the fray, and with Iruka's carefully designed bombs, there were entire small villages that his team had marked up permanently. 

It got to the point that Kakashi had to start requesting high C- and B-ranks to turn Team Kakashi's attention to outside Konoha, because once Shisui had tasted fire on speed, he couldn't stop. 

One day, he was going to lose Shisui to fire, he knew, to the living fire that burned inside the Uchiha, but for now, he was still here on the ground.

* * *

The Chuunin-exams, when Kakashi-sensei nominated them for it, was held in Kiri. 

Kiri was just coming out of their own civil war, and eager to rejoin the civilised (hah) land of shinobi villages, and thus they were going to host the chuunin exams - 

It hadn't surprised anyone that Shisui and Tenzou had passed on this first try. Iruka just missed the cut off, because he'd been assigned to spar _Tenzou_ and - well, he could never try to hurt Tenzou, but he was hypocrite enough to insist Tenzou hit him as hard as he could and not pull back. 

He only felt a little bad about the hurt look Tenzou had when Iruka woke up. 

What _had_ surprised them all though, was the kidnapping attempts. 

Someone thought Iruka was a missing bastard child of one of their lost Clans. 

Tenzou… had not reacted well. 

It had taken some fancy diplomatic foot work to get his entire team out of Kiri and back into Fire country, though not before Shisui had burned down the Mizukage's apartments and earned himself a 'stab on sight' rating and a cash reward for evidence of said stabbing.

* * *

Iruka made chuunin at sixteen when Tenzou and Shisui had been chuunin for a year already - he knew the rumours that they were very likely tapped for jounin and possibly ANBU. 

He wasn't surprised. 

That was when he made the tee-shirts - _team kakashi_ they'd proclaimed all over the black tee shirts in silver lettering. 

Kakashi-senpai (they'd stopped calling him sensei within six months, he and Shisui, because honestly, Kakashi wasn't really old enough to be a _sensei_ was he?) had given them extremely dubious looks, but Shisui and Tenzou had happily taken them. 

Iruka knew that once he'd made chuunin, Kakashi was officially no longer their jounin-sensei, and he'd be taking on a new team … 

"No," Kakashi said, looking like he wanted to boot them all off his bed. 

The bed had followed them from Kakashi's old apartment, and Tenzou had considerately made it even bigger, and now its posts were firmly rooted through the floor all the way into the ground. It'd take an earthquake to move it. 

"I'm never taking another genin team if I can help it." 

"I _knew_ you loved us!" Shisui said, beaming and yanked Kakashi's Team Kakashi shirt down over his head. 

The only reason why Kakashi hadn't stabbed Shisui was because Shisui pinned his hands down and then kissed him. 

Iruka had the best team.

* * *

The first time Iruka kissed Kakashi, Shisui and Tenzou were on their own mission with another jounin. 

It was three weeks, high risk to everyone but Shisui and Tenzou if only because Tenzou knew how to stay out of Shisui's way, and Iruka hadn't slept in a bed with only two people for what felt like a lifetime and was realistically only three years. 

But Kakashi was probably missing Shisui too and - well they were a team. 

It felt weird and wrong to not have Shisui and Tenzou with them, here, but it was almost okay, when Kakashi made a noise of irritation and yanked down his mask and kissed back. 

No, it was more than okay. 

It was alright, as long as it was the team. 

***

When they came back injured, Kakashi had been… cross. 

Very cross. 

Yondaime had given him a look that was almost amused. 

Rin had smirked even as he dragged Obito to help him drag a hangdog Tenzou and a casted up Shisui back to the Hatake compound. 

"You promised not to get hurt," Iruka had exclaimed as soon as he'd come back from studying for his chuunin exams. 

"Sorry," Shisui said, leaning on Kakashi. 

"You _will_ be," Kakashi said, darkly. "Iruka made soup." 

"Oh Kamisama," Shisui said, looking a little green. "I thought you loved me, Kakashi-senpai." 

"No i don't," Kakashi said ruthlessly, and hauled Shisui indoors. 

"Save me, Cousin Obito!" Shisui cried. 

"How bad can it be?" Obito said. 

Spoilers: It could be very bad.

* * *

The first week into Team 7, Iruka introduced Tenzou to tv-dramas. 

"They're good for learning people," iruka said, when Tenzou had expressed his puzzlement at this. It wasn't even good for training. 

"You'll learn more about why people do anything," Shisui elaborated, and had draped himself on Tenzou's lap and demanded Iruka fetch him canned drinks from Kakashi's fridge. 

Tenzou had thought this logic didn't make sense for about three episodes into "Water God's Bride", and then when Iruka proposed they go get dinner somewhere, Tenzou hadn't wanted to stop. 

He didn't know if Iruka had lied to him about it - but Iruka… didn't lie to him about important things, he thought, unless it was so that Tenzou wasn't hurt. 

And maybe that was - the sharp stab to his heart after all. 

Because, "I don't want you to be hurt," Iruka'd said to him after he woke up in Kiri, bandaged and bruised and concussed, and still smiling. 

Hadn't that been what the protagonists said to their love interests? They didn't want them to be hurt. They always wanted to keep them safe. 

And Tenzou could only hold Iruka's hand and lean over and kiss his unbruised temple. 

Danzou had never cared whether he hurt.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The dog-roses here are nothing canonical, but instead are the world's worst easter egg. They're a very brief and tangential reference to Nirejseki's [Tear in to your soul](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18222737/chapters/43111511) where their dark!Hashirama had used some extreme tactics to force the Hatake clan to form an alliance with the Senju. Think what great fertilizer dead bodies make… 
> 
> Nirejseki had never mentioned which plant specifically, but dog roses seems a terrible, yet appropriate plant to bend Hatakes into submission, and... Over the few generations, the reason behind the horror of dog-roses was forgotten, till you get Kakashi, and all he knows is that they've always had dog-roses on the compound.


	3. After the Chuunin Exams and Other Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They took the Chuunin exams. 
> 
> Minato-sensei thinks it's All Within Plan. 
> 
> there appears to be Plot. Dun Dun Dun.

Tenzou and Shisui made Chuunin at 15, and Iruka at 16. Iruka became an Academy Instructor at 17. Tenzou and Shisui officially made jounin at 16 and soon after become ANBU. 

Between 12 and 15, the team already had started something of a reputation terrorizing the borders of fire country, and by the time they actually become jounin, Tenzou and Shisui had their own reputations.

When Iruka told Kakashi, after becoming chuunin, that he was going to try for the Academy as a permanent posting, Kakashi had been perplexed. 

They were a good field team - Kakashi barely could keep up in terms of speed with Shisui, but Iruka kept up by staying still, always being in the right place exactly where they herded their marks, where Tenzou could always find him. 

"I like kids," Iruka had said, and smiled. 

It was a terrible smile, and after over four years of it, Kakashi knew that it was gonna bode badly for anyone in his way. 

He almost thought he should have encouraged Iruka to try for jounin trials instead, but Iruka had just thrown a textbook on child psychology at him. 

He'd passed the theory exams fairly well, and then the practicals with flying colours because to the extreme confundation of all of them, Iruka got along very well with kids. 

Kakashi did try to warn the board and Minato-sensei that appointing Iruka to the Academy was going to be a disaster, but Minato had just smiled enigmatically and stamped his approval. 

Within half a year of Iruka being appointed to the Academy, the training grounds was replaced with an obstacle course that could rival the chuunin exams, and half the north side of the academy was blown up. 

Kakashi didn't say "I told you so" to Minato-sensei, but he thought it really hard.

* * *

Kushina leaned her cheek on her palm. "Kakashi-kun," she said, mildly. "Stop lurking, the only person allowed to lurk behind me is my husband, and if you tried to kiss me I'll punch you out the window." 

Kakashi finally shuffled out from the shadows to sort of lean against the wall next to her shelf. 

He was an adult already, and been jounin for YEARS, but Kushina still loomed like the most terrifying person he'd ever known. 

"Why're you lurking in my office?" Kushina said after five minutes of Kakashi turning pages of his book. 

"Maa," Kakashi said, trying to figure out a way to … ask. "This place looks a mess. You should clean it up." 

"Are you volunteering," Kushina said, still mild as milk, but Kakashi straightened as the hair in the back of his neck stood up. 

"Saaaa," he said. 

"Because unless you're volunteering, get out." 

"Good day, Kushina-sensei," Kakashi said hurriedly and exited. 

So she might actually want to take on an apprentice, it seemed, from the fact she needed someone to help.

*** 

And then Iruka had the gall to tell him he wanted to be a teacher! After he went to the effort of talking to Kushina about potentially taking him on for seals training! 

So terrible! 

Kakashi had always known Iruka was the worst.

* * *

"You're good at teaching," Minato said warmly. 

"Hah," Kakashi said. "I'm not taking another team." 

"Just look at what you've done with Uchiha Shisui and Tenzou," Minato said. "Excellent jounin both of them - did you know that Shisui can clear a small village by walking in by himself?" 

Kakashi did know that. He'd witnessed it. It was impressive. 

"But the real crowning jewel of your team is Iruka-sensei." 

"... I don't get it," Kakashi said. "Just look what he did to the Academy." 

Minato grinned. "Yes. just look at it. You won't see it yet, but you will in ten years." 

Kakashi wasn't sure that there will be a Village in ten years, not with the hellions Iruka was already training. 

"Are you sure you won't take another genin team?" Minato said, waggling the scroll at him. 

"I won't. They're terrible, and they won't leave me alone." 

Minato laughed. "Well we'll see. Naruto's almost ten. Have you come to see him?"

* * *

"Hate. Snow country," Shisui said, and Tenzou curled around him harder. 

Shisui burned hot, always, which Iruka tended to like during cooler months, while in summer months he tended to curl to Tenzou instead because Tenzou ran cool generally. 

But this was not home, this was in a cave in Snow Country and it was just the two of them, and Shisui had run, of course he had, and he'd not realised that the snow was covering thin ice and he'd fallen into the water. 

Shisui had always run hot, but now he was too cold, his lips were blue. 

He'd blocked the cave with as many vines as he could, but he was exhausted, low on chakra, and Shisui couldn't start a fire. 

"It's not that bad," Tenzou tried, pressing his hands to Shisui's sides and tried, tried thinking of heat and warmth at him. 

"It's terrible. Never gonna. Again. Never Snow. Fuck Snow," Shisui said and Tenzou kissed him, trying not to panic over how cold Shisui's lips were. 

"Shh. Don't talk just get warm." 

Shisui managed a smile for him. "That's not how you warm me up, Tenzou." 

But his voice was fading, soft, and his eyes shut and - 

And. 

Tenzou panicked. He wasn't a healer, not really, their healer was Kakashi, but he could push chakra into Shisui, keep his heart pumping, keep the blood moving, and hopefully, keep his chakra levels up enough to get him warm again. 

It would be alright. 

Plants hibernated after all.

* * *

Kakashi was twenty-one when they went on _that_ mission. 

It hadn't been very tough getting to the mark, because he was overconfident with his people around him, being in his own strong hold. 

"We're going to have to seduce him," Kakashi said, flatly. He was… not the best kind of agent for that, but it looked like the best route in. 

"Do we know his type?" Iruka asked, chewing his lip, eyes wide. 

"That," Shisui said, waving vaguely at Iruka and Tenzou. 

"Hah," Iruka said, flatly. "That is generic as hell." 

"Here," Kakashi said, passing a quick set of notes to Tenzou. "Try reading them out loud with… feeling." 

Tenzou tried. "Hi. Big Guy," he said, and everyone winced. 

Tenzou's face was completely blank. 

"How come you can say the sappiest shit to us but this can't work?" Shisui said. 

"Don't blame him," Iruka said, defensively. "It's not easy!" 

Kakashi exhaled. "Iruka, you try." 

It… went better. Iruka had the big innocent eyes, but as soon as Kakashi henge'd into the mark to get him to practice, Iruka fumbled the lines and fled across the room before Kakashi could even attempt to touch him . 

"Okay, so no," Kakashi decided. 

"Gimme it," Shisui said. "I'll do it." 

The practice went swimmingly. 

The actual thing went GREAT, Shisui managing to charm the mark into following him - until the mark touched Shisui's ass. 

And instead of giggling or whatever the cue cards said, Shisui stabbed the asshole. 

In the groin. 

Since Kakashi had been needed to take care of the roof guards and Iruka and Tenzou had been sneaking in to try and steal information, it was a little bit of a premature stabbing.

"Next time stab him when he's not in public!" Iruka yelled as he hung upside down outside a window while Tenzou had to make his way over to get Iruka free and out properly. 

"I'll ask the next one to just not grope me before I'm ready, shall I!? " Shisui yelled back.

"No one is going to do any seduction except me anymore!" Kakashi yelled at them both.

* * *

For all that Kakashi was their jounin-sensei, and set training early in the morning, Kakashi-senpai didn't actually like waking up early. If it wasn't for the risk that Iruka would attempt breakfast, Kakashi-senpai probably wouldn't even get up before noon. 

But Iruka had early morning shift in the mission room, and Shisui was away on a mission with a jounin team that really needed the fire power and apparently, not the mission destination ever again, so it was just him and Kakashi-senpai. 

This fit in with Danzo's mission requirement. Get close to them. Infiltrate Hatake Kakashi's defenses, get him to join me. Become friends with the Uchiha prodigy, sway him to my side. 

Danzo had no idea what to think about Iruka - he'd spent the years Tenzou was on Team 7 and then Team Kakashi wondering why he'd bothered to still be friends with Iruka. 

All Tenzou could say was _it's team bonding_ , and _it'd be suspicious if I left him out_ , and not say - 

He's my friend. 

He showed me my first tv-drama. 

He took me out to eat ramen. 

He lied to me to make me hurt him so I'd pass the chuunin exams. 

I love him. 

It wasn't just Iruka though - he sat up and looked down at Kakashi, the morning light screened in dim and pale green through a mesh of leaves and vines painting him a soft grey and he couldn't imagine Kakashi doing the missions Tenzou knew he would have been doing, if he hadn't been assigned to Team Seven. 

He reached out and touched Kakashi's bare cheek, and he couldn't remember the exact time Kakashi had stopped wearing the mask around them, just that it had been Iruka who tugged it up yesterday for Kakashi before Kakashi could, before the messenger nin had hopped down to their window. 

"Why're you thinking so loud," Kakashi grumbled, turning a little, one eye, the one with the scar on the eyebrow, the scar that sheared over his brow and veered across his cheek, missing his actual eye by a finger's width, slitting open a little to glare at him. "Get here." 

And then Kakashi's fingers were fumbling until Tenzou leaned in and let himself be curled around like a pillow.

* * *

"Go," Kakashi-senpai said. And Iruka was the one running, with his dogs to protect him and Tenzou was torn, between going with Iruka and and staying because. 

Because Shisui looked like a curled broken doll, spine curved like the tomoe in his eyes when he blazed bright and fiery, and for all that Shisui was one of the powerhouses in the team, so powerful and gleeful with it that everyone _wanted_ him, from Kakashi-senpai to Danzo, to a dozen clients' star-struck hormonal children scattered across Fire Country, it hurt to remember Shisui was breakable. 

The squishy, vulnerable one was Iruka, but he wasn't the one who was broken now. 

He wasn't the one who had been tripped up, trapped and then someone had taken an earth hammer to his knees, and for all that Tenzou hadn't been there, that none of them had been there, that it had taken place underground and far away from them, the mosses that grew on the walls had heard him scream. 

But Kakashi was holding glowing green palms to him now, murmuring softly to Shisui as his teammate, his lover, his _family_ dug weak fingers into the dirt, and Tenzou kept his roots firm and tight on Shisui's legs, kept them straight so Kakashi could start the stabilizer process because if he hadn't, if they hadn't, one wrong jolt could have had Shisui's femurs shatter and he'd bleed to death from the inside out and - 

And even that still made Shisui keen, weak and hurt and thin like a bird and Kakashi looked worn and almost transparent when he was done, and Tenzou could take them _both_ with him, trying to get back to Konoha before someone else caught up, before their team leader collapsed.

* * *

Tenzou did alright with healing - but he healed _faster_ on his own, a self-regeneration that none of them really understood. 

Iruka did first aid, if necessary, but everyone remembered how Iruka didn't even remember how he managed to get Shisui to throw up liquid fire, and really Iruka, his bare hands and your insides? 

No. 

The least said about Shisui's ability to deal with tightly controlled fine-trickle medical jutsu, the better, even if the little shit memorized it with a blink of his eyes. 

"Why am I the team medic?" Kakashi grumped as he slapped his glowing green palms to Shisui's side. 

"Because you were on a genin team with Skin-splitter _Rin_ ," Iruka said. 

"Because you love me," Shisui said. "Ow!" 

"Shut up, next time I'll let you break all your ribs for that stupid stunt." And then Kakashi was glaring at Iruka. 

"It wasn't _my_ fault," Iruka said. 

"It was too, your trap had weak spots," Shisui said, and despite his harsh words, Kakashi was keeping his touch gentle, feeling for any more broken ribs and internal damage. 

"It was only a little my fault, you set fire to that tree after all," Iruka said. 

"It's not my fault that conifers explode like _that_ after dry summers," Shisui grumbled but he was sagging as Kakashi wrapped the bandages around him to keep the heal stable. 

Kakashi didn't brush Shisui's hair out of his eyes. He did not brush a kiss over Shisui's temple, because Shisui didn't deserve it, and Iruka should be grateful he couldn't actually assign him domestic chores in punishment.

* * *

"None of us like it when you go on missions on your own," Iruka said, even before Shisui opened his eyes. 

Iruka's fingers reached out, brushing his bangs out his eyebrows. 

"Gonna have to cut my hair soon," Shisui croaked. 

"Kakashi-senpai is going to hack them off," Iruka told him. "And the rest of your hair too. What possessed you to grow it out?" 

Shisui blinked dry, almost fever-dry, eyes open at Iruka, and managed a smile. His lips felt cracked. 

"Tenzou liked it long," he murmured. 

"You're an idiot," Iruka said. "You shouldn't be going out without a team, even if you're - " he swallowed. 

Didn't finish. 

ANBU. 

Even though you're ANBU. 

But the Hokage sent you where you were needed, and Shisui had been needed, and intel had been just a bit faulty and instead of one S-class there had been three, and Shisui could handle them, he had been able to handle them, but someone had gotten in, close, managed to try to slash at his hamstrings before Shisui had sharingan'd him into oblivion, and. 

That someone had gotten a hand in his hair. 

"You're not Madara," Iruka said, softly, quietly, and leaned in to press his lips to Shisui's forehead. "Don't try acting like him. Don't leave us behind." 

"'M faster than Madara," Shisui said, and when Iruka curled his hand to his, he tightened his grip on Iruka's fingers. "But never gonna leave you behind." 

*** 

"Why does this seem familiar?" 

There was no answer. 

There was no answer because Iruka still hadn't woken up, and Shisui was the first one back, to hear the news, at 1:02 in the morning, shedding his gloves and armour and wondering where Iruka was, why the house was silent. 

And now here he was, holding Iruka's fingers, light, careful. 

"You weren't supposed to be the one like this," Shisui said. 

"You're the one who was supposed to be _safe_." 

The career chuunin, the Academy teacher, who was never supposed to take missions without a team, never supposed to be anything but behind the front lines, the one who was always waiting at home when they got back, the glue of their team. 

Their jounin-commander for the mission had been the one to tell Shisui, bone-exhausted, that Iruka was in hospital. 

He'd brought Iruka back on his own back. 

Iruka had saved the mission - he'd been the one to build the traps, to be the bait, because without Shisui to herd, without Kakashi to hound, Iruka had been the shining weak point, the pretty, shiny lure. 

Without Tenzou to _protect_ him, Iruka had almost _died._

Sheer luck had Aoba getting back just in time to save him from getting his rib cage smashed in, and if Aoba hadn't insisted, there had been a good chance that the other surviving chuunin teammate would have left Iruka to die. 

Iruka had nearly died at Konoha's gates. 

Shisui tucked his fingers against his palm, keeping the flame simmering below skin. 

"Tenzou is going to wrap you up in the Academy forever," he told Iruka's still, silent face. "You're never going to leave the Village without one of us." 

The machine monitoring Iruka's heart beeped steadily. 

"Don't leave us behind again," Shisui murmured.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Skin-splitter Rin is a homage to Pentapus' [The Full Umino experience](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2772086).
> 
> If anyone cares to know, Obito survived whatever would have killed him in the canon, Kakashi never lost his eye. So since Obito survived, "Tobi" never was around to fuck with Kushina's seal (and imagine how fucking misogynistic that is, oh only pregnant women's seals weaken, when Kushina and Mito are/were seals experts, they should have been able to compensate for it, and god stop just assuming pregnant women are weak, Kishimoto!), thus Naruto never became the jinchuuriki for Kyuubi. Since the Kyuubi never attacked Konoha, technically there probably aren't as many orphans as there would have been in canon, and Iruka's parents instead died on a mission, not due to Kyuubi attack. 
> 
> At one point, Minato probably did/will make an edict that parents of shinobi cannot both take the same mission. He'd probably like to say 'cannot take the missions at the same time' too but. Yeah. 
> 
> Also? Mizuki the asshole chuunin is so dead now. 
> 
> Also? Tenzou probably sits Iruka down and says, we're going to plan your mission requirements now. Any team you go with is going to include one of US. And Iruka's going to be, what if all of you are on missions? And then all three of them give him the stink eye and say THEN YOU'RE NOT GOING ON MISSIONS. 
> 
> Go Team Kakashi!


	4. The End.... or is it?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Issue of Danzo is resolved.

Kakashi hauled himself into the shower as soon as he could, his armour shed outside. 

Okay. Just get himself quickly rinsed off - Shisui was on the other end of the compound, so he should be able to actually get clean before Shisui barged in. 

Ever since Team Kakashi started living on the Hatake Compound, Shisui had insisted on communal baths - it was what they did in the Uchiha, and honestly, Kakashi didn't know enough about the Uchiha to say yes or no. 

He sure as hell wasn't going to ask Obito - Obito would probably agree with anything Shisui said just because he a) liked his prodigy cousin and b) liked to make life _difficult_ for Kakashi. 

Obito was an asshole. 

He was easing himself into the hot water with a sigh when Shisui blurred into the room and hopped straight into his lap. 

"Fuck!" 

"Hi, senpai," Shisui said, grinning as if he hadn't just re-bruised half a dozen injuries up Kakashi's thighs and hips. 

"You're supposed to get clean _first_ ," Kakashi protested but as Shisui settled on his lap properly, he couldn't actually push him away. 

Shisui too was covered in a mess of bruises from their mission - less than him, but still more than Shisui's usual - very few shinobi these days could land a hit on Shisui. 

But it was very hard to avoid a literal hail of stones, and Shisui had been trying to keep close to Kakashi. 

"I am clean," Shisui said, leaning in, hands framing Kakashi's chest and smiling, rocking down his hips a little more obviously and Kakashi made a strangled sound, reaching down to catch Shisui by the hipbone. 

"If you get the damn bath _dirty_ , I'll make you clean it," Kakashi said. 

Shisui's grin widened. "Sure, Senpai. Whatever you say."

* * *

"Oh god," Iruka said, and Tenzou looked over, half afraid that Iruka had dropped something or gotten hurt or - 

No, Iruka was looking through a journal. 

"She's published another article!" 

Shisui got a little tight around the eyes, and started edging towards the door. 

"Have you seen it? Didn't Obito tell you about it," Iruka said, looking up. "Shisui! You should have told me!" 

"I gotta go," Shisui said, and shunshin'd out the door before Iruka could grab him. 

Oh no, Tenzou thought, and eyed the window, but Iruka was already advancing on him. 

"Have you _seen_ it?" Iruka said, and he was sighing over - what looked like a monochromatic printout of a bunch of graphs. 

"Seen… what," Tenzou said, carefully. 

"Nohara-sensei's newest article!" 

Iruka was cooing over it, the exact same way he cooed over Tenzou's new saplings and Kakashi's ninken, and generally Tenzou was happy with Iruka cooing over things but in this case… 

"Look, you gotta read it, Tenzou!" 

Tenzou should have headed for the window as soon as Shisui had escaped. 

Damn. 

*** 

"No one understands _me_ ," Iruka wailed on the couch. 

"What happened," Kakashi said from the doorway. 

"Nohara Rin published another article," Shisui said, lurking. "He's been having the feels." 

"Why can't I write like heeeeeer!" 

Kakashi winced a little. "Tenzou?" 

"Trapped," Shisui said. 

"You didn't try to save him?" 

"It's every man for himself when it's Nohara Rin's publications," Shisui said. "Let's go get dinner now."

* * *

"Kinoue. Why are you still hanging around that no name boy?" 

Iruka wasn't a boy. Not anymore. He was a chuunin and a very good one at that, but Tenzou couldn't say it. Couldn't say that if he wanted to.. 

Wanted to stay. 

"It's necessary, for team-bonding." 

"Team-bonding?" Danzou's mouth curled in derision. "He's not important, Uchiha Shisui is already tapped for ANBU, and Hatake Kakashi could drop the team any moment!" 

"Umino Iruka's a teacher," tenzou said, trying to feel for the words. Trying to figure out what he could say that would make this alright. Acceptable. "If I stay close to him, no one will suspect anything.' 

Danzo narrowed his eyes at him. "A teacher. A nobody teacher." 

"He's teaching the eight-year-olds now," Tenzou said, very softly. 

"Eight - that's. The Namikaze boy." 

Danzo smiled. It wasn't pleasant. 

"Good job, Kinoue." 

 

Tenzou swallowed and bowed his head. 

*** 

The problem was that Shisui was ridiculously overpowered. He was too good at what he was, a weapon of mass destruction who could be used to clear a room by invoking his name. 

The Uchiha were proud of him and very happy he was living somewhere else. 

And - 

Well. 

Danzo wasn't patient forever. 

And Tenzou was Danzo's obedient doll, wasn't he, that Danzo didn't even seem to care that Tenzo was still in the room when he'd ordered the capture of Shisui, for his sharingan, as soon as Shisui returned from his mission. 

Tenzou kept his head bowed and. 

He was going to do the hardest thing he'd ever done. 

*** 

"You've been under control of the Village Advisor Shimura Danzo since you were six," Iruka said. 

Tenzou didn't dare look at Iruka's eyes. It would probably spell worse judgement and hatred, and possibly disgust, than he'd ever thought others would have for his pale, weak imitation version of mokuton. 

Iruka could accept that, believing it a genius and prodigy way of melding earth and water release together, which was aided in the fact that Tenzou was equally good with earth and water as well. 

But Iruka couldn't possibly accept that Tenzou had been a spy all along. 

"Huh. That explains why you needed to have people explained to you," Iruka said, and his tone was matter-of-fact. "What would an old man like him know of how to raise a kid properly?" 

Tenzou blinked up at him. "You're… not mad?" 

"Oh I'm plenty mad, and you're gonna be talking to Kakashi-senpai as soon as we get him home," Iruka said. "But Shisui's due back _any_ moment now, so I'm gonna have to activate the chuunin-network while we go inform Yondaime-sama." 

"The… what network?" He'd never heard of it. Why would there be a network of chuunin? 

Iruka's smile was just sharp and all teeth. "Why do you think I never wanted to try for jounin? Come on." 

*** 

The Chuunin network was a catch-all term for those who had gone through all six years of the Academy - _actual_ Academy Alumni. Most of the jounin, particularly the _younger_ ones, were homeschooled in various ways, and thus hadn't gone through all six proper years of the Academy, and hadn't been joined in mutual hatred for Nidaime's damned syllabus and Yondaime's insistence for end of term exams. 

There were four of them in a year too, not counting the team exercises that were held twice a year and homeschoolers only were mandated to attend 75% of them in the six years - 

Iruka had had to attend _all_ of them. 

"Shimon!" He yelled, as he dragged Tenzou with him into Intel. "Shimon! Get out here and drag your terrible partner Tonbo with you!" 

"It's _late_ , Iruka, I'm already off-shift." A very pretty long-haired chuunin came up to them, looking ready to bean Iruka with a stapler, and his grinning partner only three steps behind him. 

He was entirely bandaged nose upwards, but he didn't seem to have any trouble seeing Shimon getting ready to give Iruka a lecture. 

Tenzou was completely uncomfortable in Intel - a place staffed mostly with chuunin and they always seemed to know more than they should. 

"I know, but I'm activating the chuunin-network," Iruka said. 

Tonbo and Shimon stilled. 

"What. Why?" Tonbo said. 

"Some asshole Danzo," Iruka said, grimly, "is gonna try kidnapping my teammate." 

Shimon flicked a look to Tenzou, then cocked his head. "For the Sharingan. And the only one- yes. Okay. Tonbo?" 

"On it," Tonbo said. 

"We're heading to the Yondaime now," Iruka said, reaching back to grab Tenzou's hand. 

"We'll have names and locations for you by the time you're finished with the meeting," Shimon said. "Good hunting." he held up a fist. 

"Cause No one will see us coming." 

Iruka grinned, low and feral, and bumped Shimon's fist with his own. 

*** 

If you eliminated Academy Alumni and clan jounin, you had a surprisingly short list of names.

Tenzou's own name was on it, but so were quite a few Tenzou abruptly recognised as code-names for some of the ROOT operatives he knew of, and 

There were three possible locations for where Danzo could be planning on holding Shisui. 

"My _Cousin_?" Obito said when Iruka went to kick him awake. "Is he going to try and kidnap my _cousin_?" 

"And we're gonna have to move fast if we want to have anything left before Shisui charboils him," Iruka said. "Can you get Nohara Rin? We got three locations to hit, and Kakashi-senpai's not in Konoha now." 

"Oh it'd be my pleasure," Obito said. 

*** 

It might have gone less messily if they had enough people to watch _all_ the suspected Root, if all of suspected Root members were in the village, and if they hadn't had to keep this quiet AND move fast. 

Shisui got jabbed by something that wasn't a senbon, and wasn't the cocktail that Iruka had been absent-mindedly rendering his team immune to over the years, and he'd gone down and by the time Nohara Rin got there over the scuffle that some of the chuunin had informed her was happening, Shisui was gone. 

*** 

Shisui woke up to a very plain, and also very dark, ceiling. 

His neck hurt, and his legs felt leaden. 

That was not good. 

"Uchiha Shisui," someone said, leaning over to peer at him and smile and Shisui recognised the face as Shimura Danzo, a man he barely ever paid attention to and was… not really regretting it. "How nice of you to join us." 

Oh, then it turned out Danzo wanted to get up close and personal with Shisui's eyes. 

First of all, ew, and second of all, fuck no. 

Luckily, while sluggish, Shisui's katon worked just fine. 

*** 

Nohara "Skin-splitter" Rin was like a thing of chaos and beauty - Iruka would be in love if his heart wasn't already full. 

Obito had sent one of his cousins to go with Tenzou to the first location, and then himself with another to the second, and Iruka got lucky and was paired with Rin because she could protect him, and still eat everyone else who looked at her wrong. 

Tenzou would be too focused on keeping Iruka safe AND rescuing Shisui and this wasn't the same as a mission when it was him up against the guy who had essentially failed at raising him into an actual _person_ , instead of a weapon. 

Tenzou was gonna have to have a heart-to-heart talk with Kakashi and Shisui later, but first, they had to get Shisui back. 

And Rin - 

Iruka didn't know how on earth Rin had Isobu, the Sanbi sealed into her, nor how she'd managed to figure out how to use Isobu's sheer water power to more than rival the Mist's famous swordsmen, but as a medically trained shinobi she could literally cause someone's skin to rip apart even as she grew spines and summoned tidal waves. 

Maybe it was fortunate it was at their location, then, that it was Rin - 

Because the building suddenly went up in flames. 

*** 

If it hadn't been for Rin, half of Konoha probably would have been in flames. 

And TECHNICALLY she had managed to save Danzo, enough of him to be arrested anyway. 

And Iruka could help Shisui stagger home - half exhausted from his own mission not - what, half an hour before? - and his attempt to set Danzo and his molesty hands on fire. 

And Kakashi had just arrived home, just in time to catch Shisui from Iruka and lower him into bed, while Iruka told him everything and Kakashi had looked at Shisui with something like naked fear. 

He smelled of smoke and fire and ash, sparking embers and underneath a hint of fear because Danzo… 

Danzo had been real close to getting his eyes, Iruka thought, because if they hadn't been there… 

They would have lost Shisui, if not to Danzo, then to the flames. 

"Get me some water," Kakashi said, voice low and rough. "Iruka. Please." 

Iruka got him water.

* * *

"I want," Kakashi said, ages, months, later after the debacle with Danzo, in the midst of hunting down the last few Root agents who had gone rogue. "To take you into my Clan." 

"Seriously?" Genma said. "Flattered, Hatake, but I'm not interested." 

Kakashi didn't kick him off a branch but it was close. 

"Senpai," Tenzou said, from the neighbouring tree, and he probably was wide-eyed behind his ANBU mask. 

"Can you go away, Rat," Kakashi said. 

Genma snorted and ruffled Kakashi's hair, before bounding away. 

"You and, Iruka," Kakashi said, voice low. "You have no family." 

And I want to make you family, he didn't say. 

*** 

"We're already family," Iruka said, but he was leaping over the desk like he was a genin again, fuck the proper sober sensei persona, and tackling Kakashi into a hug. 

"Are you gonna propose to Shisui then?" Iruka asked. 

"I'm not going to _Propose!_ "

*** 

"I'm not going to change my name officially," Iruka said. 

"What? Why not?" Shisui asked, looking up from the sheets where he'd been doodling _Hatake Shisui_ over and over again like a fool. 

"I have all these publications," Iruka said, like Shisui was slow, "In my maiden name. I'm not going to lose my research trail just because I joined the Hatake." 

Shisui blinked at that for a moment. "Oh. would that -" 

"Wouldn't affect you, it's not like you're known as Shunshin no Uchiha Shisui, are you?" 

"Right, true," Shisui said, and settled back looking pleased. "Hey do you think if I get a genin team of my own, I can get them to call me Hatake-sensei?"

* * *

END 

Or is it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My darling Hijiri Shimon and Tobitake Tonbo… I've missed you both so much. My criminally underused intel-chuunin - if you looked at how often chuunin were used, generally, in the series, you'd think the whole country was top-heavy with jounin and no one ever bothered to stay at chuunin level. 
> 
> The next chapter is author's notes - basically my blathering on the story and the characterisation :) 
> 
> Again, feel free to leave me prompts for this universe - and i'll be adding Omake/extra chapters if I feel inspired.


	5. Author's Notes

Team Kakashi is obviously never going to end - if I get struck by inspiration, or if I get good snippet prompts, I will of course add on new chapters or new works and turn this into a series. 

Writing this in snippet form was actually a very fast and easier method than say, Geisha AU or Clownfish AU or KPI - and not worrying about chronology, or even very detailed descriptions helped a LOT . I did worry that I wouldn't be able to do full cracky justice to this cracky fic, but as it turns out, snippet form was actually the best one for it, because the whole POINT of this fic was the emotional hijinks, details not necessary. And it still turned out to be a decent length, even though I had originally worried that I couldn't be able to expand it properly. 

Team Kakashi aka the OT4 universe is a sweet one, and I love it. I just have no idea how Team 7 the Naruto Edition is going to be - without Danzo, without the hint of Tobi/Madara being dicks during the kyuubi attack (there was no kyuubi attack, even), and I'm completely disregarding Zetsu because I don't care anymore, the Uchiha massacre obviously never really took off because why would Uchiha want to plan a coup for being targets of suspicion? 

So Itachi is still around, bopping about having the time of his life till he actually is 12 and can take the Academy Graduation Exams, Sasuke being emo is really more a teenager's choice of rebellion, and both of them probably view/idolize Shisui for being one of the greatest Shinobi Uchiha have ever produced, short of Madara. 

They still don't want him to _live_ with them of course. Who wants to live with a Legend? 

(other than Kakashi. Who is a masochist) 

One of the greatest things I'd realised about this fic is that as I wrote it, Iruka's role within the Team evolved. He started out as the team tactician, and was supposed to grow into an Academy Teacher role, and leave the team (ie no longer take active field missions with them, not that he moves out or anything). But as I wrote it, I realised that the throwaway line - Iruka not needing to keep up because he already is where he needs to be in Chapter 3 - is actually his defining role, even if the rest of his team doesn't realise it. 

He's team tactician when he needs to be, but he'd already there - by virtue of being an Academy Alumni - when Shisui needed him years later, and thus could activate his network of sources to help. His choice to become a teacher rather than a seals/barrier master that Kakashi thought briefly of getting him into meant that he's now constructing the most elaborate trap that Konoha will ever see - generations of shinobi are going to be trained not as obedient soldier drones but as chaos agents just like himself and Team Kakashi, and Konoha is going to be changed forever. And no one but Minato realises that it's going to take 10+ years to bring to fruition. The Academy is never going to be the same after Iruka's done with it. 

Iruka's always where he needs to be - and his Team is actually the one who catches up to _him_. 

This story hadn't meant to have a plot - Rikacain and I just needed an excuse to get Tenzou out of Root and into Team 7, so mentioning Danzo wanting Tenzou to infiltrate and get close to Kakashi and Shisui was our 'reason' for him being placed in that team. However, as the story went on, Tenzou's POV snippets were obviously influenced by his divided loyalties - his particular love for Iruka, and his obedience to Danzo. Eventually it had to be resolved, because it couldn't go on forever, and it wouldn't feel 'right' to have Team Kakashi be a real OT4 if one of them was keeping such a huge secret. The fact that it resolved by a more cracked version of Shisui's canonical mutilation and eventual death was… well, keeping to canon in a way, but it also allowed Iruka's more hidden role to be revealed, AND for Kakashi's very Unadmitted Feelings to show up - and bring up the hint of what would have happened to Shisui eventually, if he hadn't been grounded by Team Kakashi. 

I like the idea that Uchiha are very focused on flame - and someone as good with it as Shisui - I've seen characterisations of him being something of a pyromaniac. I took it and ran with it, and not only is he a pyromaniac, decided to throw in the possibilities of a shooting star kind of thing. Uchiha burn, brilliant and beautiful and dangerous and POWERFUL, but the flame inside them would eventually reclaim them - for Uchiha - Shisui in particular - fire is the first and final defense. The way to go out is in a blazing inferno, and this would have been the way this Shisui would have gone, if he had been blinded, lamed and trapped - he'd have gone up in flames and taken everyone with him. 

Kakashi's feelings for Shisui (and Team Kakashi) is far more subtle - and he takes on the role of pursued seme (And Shisui is kind of the more aggressive uke lol) if I ever wrote the porn. But here - obito never died, while Kakashi still got a knock up the head about teamwork and cooperation from Obito - Obito was just still there to keep smacking it in. 

Without his sensei and team's completely traumatic deaths, Kakashi eventually got stable enough to reconcile with his father's memory; and because he's his father's son and his sensei's student, he is not known as Copy-nin Sharingan no Kakashi (because he never got the sharingan, the Uchiha never developed a distaste for him - in fact Obito's constant hanging around him probably just meant that they like him fairly well) but instead as Silver Fang, a riff off from his father's White Fang and the tanto he uses. His speed he probably picked up from Minato - and this is what had Shisui fall in love with him at first sight. 

Shisui has a love for all things fast. 

Kakashi's feelings for his team is very subtle - and he's actually terrible at vocalising it. The resolution of Tenzou's storyline actually finally gave him the space to propose what everyone already knew at that point - to ask them to be family, to stay with him forever, his mild hurt at Iruka rejecting the role of seals/barrier expert in his briefly imagined team future notwithstanding. 

Kakashi is really a fail kind of jounin-sensei, especially in the beginning. The whole point of the jounin-test is to test cooperation - Iruka co-opted the test entirely from the start. A prankster always works with what they have, and what he had was his teammates. 

Again, his hidden role, and Kakashi didn't even _know_ it. If it weren't for Iruka, team kakashi aka team hellion wouldn't even exist. Iruka was there even before anyone knew there was a race, and Kakashi learned it the hard way, lol.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And I will post Omakes after this - I already have a few, which i will post between working on Geisha AU . :)


	6. Omake 1: Need for Speed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The start of the extras! :D 
> 
> What is Iruka's part on the team anyway?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For @Telosphilos

"- and then he said, why are you even tolerating him on your team, he's the slowest and weakest, you have to always protect him?"

"And then what did you say?" Iruka said, his hands denting his can of tea. Iruka's jaw was tight, and his eyes lowered, and Tenzou thought he ought to stop but Iruka was the one who could explain people to him way better than even Kakashi-senpai. 

Was he offended? Maybe he should have asked Kakashi-senpai instead.

"I told him, why wouldn't I protect you? Iruka is my teammate after all." 

Iruka shook a little. 

Tenzou reached out to touch his hand. "Iruka? Are you alr-" 

Which was when Iruka burst out laughing. And kept laughing and Tenzou couldn't make sense out of him. 

"Why's Iruka laughing like that?" Kakashi said later when he came down to make sure Iruka wasn't in the kitchen. 

"I don't know," Tenzou said. "Someone asked about how Team Kakashi works and I answered and I told Iruka and now Iruka won't stop laughing." 

They both regarded Iruka. Iruka slowly slipped off the table, giggling. 

"Guess he'll explain eventually," Kakashi said after a moment. "I'm going to cook dinner now."


	7. OMAKE 2: Clownfish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I don't approve," Kakashi said.
> 
> * * *
> 
> Disapproving Kakashi is disapproving.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For @rikacain

"I don't approve," Kakashi said, glaring at the furniture, it was all dark rosewoods, which was a contrast from the paler oak and pines that Tenzou had rebuilt the Hatake house with. The dark rosewood furniture was heavy and reddish, which definitely clashed, and also very oddly familiar. 

"Excellent! Keep that expression, that's the _exact_ sentiment we're going for," Iruka said, grinning wildly. 

"Are these - wait, this is the furniture of from that tv-drama - what was it, Clownfish?" 

It was, it really was. It was Iruka's fault that Tenzou was a tv-drama addict, and at this point, Tenzou had watched so many he'd actually developed _favourites_ , and two weeks ago, Kakashi had walked in on Tenzou and Iruka and Shisui huddled on the couch watching a marathon re-run of _The World of Clownfish_ , a convoluted soap opera that was about some fictional shinobi village that could shape-shift and, most terrifying of all, gender-shift. 

The most disturbing, actually, was Iruka taking diligent notes. He'd thought that maybe Iruka was working on something for his teaching, but judging from the giant sheaf of notes he was waving around now? 

He'd been taking _script and director_ notes. 

Oh no. 

"I really _don't_ approve." Kakashi turned to try and walk out, because now his memory was telling him that this particular arrangement of furniture was very familiar. 

"Come back here! Kakashi, you gotta play the Clan Head, you're _perfect!_ " Iruka grabbed him by the arm and towed him to the nearest large chair and sat him down with a huge thump, so he was facing Tenzou. 

The table had a few dishes on it, several senbon, and Kakashi really hoped those had been purchased, not made. And if they were made, he hoped that he wasn't expected to _eat_ it. 

Had there been a suicide scene in this series? Kakashi eyed the senbon. 

"Why me the clan head?" 

"Because you're _our_ Clan head now," Iruka said cheerfully, hands on his hips, surveying the scene. "Good. It's all perfect. Shisui! Hurry up!" 

"I'm almost - hng - " 

And then Shisui was flouncing in and Kakashi almost shut his eyes in pained shock. Shisui was right now sporting something like a huge set of boobs under his very tight uniform blacks - that was definitely not his size. That was probably Itachi's, because Itachi was built a little more slender and shorter than Shisui, and while their uniform was stretchy, Shisui was making it look. 

Very. 

Obvious. 

"Too much?" Shisui said, flinging his hands out in a 'tada' motion. 

"Well I guess in your condition it's fine," Iruka said a little critically. "Come on, take your place then we can start -" he was handing Tenzou what looked like a script and dangling a set in front of Kakashi. 

"No," Kakashi said. 

"C'mon, Kakashi-senpai. Pleeeeease?" Shisui said, already managing to get to his side next to Tenzou, and leaning over and his… bosom was prominent. 

So prominent. 

Kakashi felt something strangle in his throat. 

"No." 

"It's for Tenzou! You _gotta_!" 

Kakashi glanced at Tenzou, who was looking very blank - which, after all those years with the Team, meant he was trying his best not to show his emotions, which meant… 

 

He did want this. Iruka went to ridiculous lengths for Tenzou, and Tenzou so rarely _asked_ for things and - 

Kakashi sagged. "Fine." 

"Great! Now sit up," Iruka said and smacked him in the shoulder with his script. "Remember Tenzou, you just gotta do it as flat as possible, it's fine. Just remember the senbon." 

Tenzou nodded, and picked up the senbon and carefully stuck it between his lips like Genma did. 

Oh no, Kakashi thought, because now, _now_ he remembered this scene. Iruka plopped down next to him before Kakashi could escape. 

"Go," Iruka said. 

"I cannot _live_ without him, Clan Leader!" Shisui wailed, draping himself over Tenzou's arm and Kakashi felt his face freeze. 

It really was that scene .

Help. 

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because Rikacain is completely evil and an enabler and gives me the BEST crack ideas: [Clownfish AU](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1330769) exists in OT4 as a fictional soap opera series about a fictional shinobi village with Clownfish's social dynamics. This scene is taken directly from [Genital Geometry](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18720778) because I'm a horrible person. 
> 
> One day, Tenzou wants to be able to play the somewhat manipulative, but very in-love Clan Heir opposite the Blushy Shy Sensei, so the rest of the team are helping him come to grips with actual acting. Iruka will make whatever Tenzou wants come true dammit.


	8. OMAKE 3: Seals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi sulks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The 2nd Omake to make up for the terrible chapter in _Prepare As We Will_.
> 
> Pretty sure this was prompted by Telosphilos, maybe, but rikacain helped too.

"Argh, I wish I knew more about seals," Iruka said, flicking through the journal. "Kushina-sensei and Nohara-sensei just published some collaboration of a sort and it looks so interesting, I don't know how it can be applied... " 

" _Now_ you want to know about seals?" Kakashi scowled at his book. Iruka was firmly entrenched in the Academy, and the room that he'd appropriated as his office was full floor to ceiling with scrolls and books on things that had terrifying titles like _Psychology and Education: Social Constructivist Approach_ and _Child Centred Learning_. No one else entered that room - it had a _system_. The last time Shisui looked at it a little sideways, Iruka had booted him and his 'Pyro ass' across the compound. 

"What do you mean 'Now'?" Iruka said, looking up, brow furrowed. 

"Could have interned with Kushina-sensei after your chuunin exams," kakashi grumped. 

Iruka put down his book. "What do mean 'could have interned', it's not like she was offering an internship," Iruka said and squinted at Kakashi. 

Kakashi grumped. Turned a page. 

"Wait. Wait, _you_ asked Kushina-sensei?" 

Kakashi sighed noisily. 

"You never told me that!" 

"You threw a textbook at me." 

"You said teaching brats is stupid and I should go file shit at the hokage tower for the rest of my life until i stopped being an idiot about trying for jounin…" Iruka paused. 

The silence was heavy while Iruka thought back, obviously realising his huge mistake in the past. 

"Wait, you _wanted_ me to intern with Kushina-sensei, and that was what you were sulking and pouting about for a whole _week_ when I told you I was going to study for the Academy?" 

Kakashi huffed. 

"You _idiot!_ " Iruka threw a scroll at Kakashi's head. "Learn to use your words!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi actually did, at one point, think Iruka would have been a good barrier-seals user which would have enhanced his position as a traps specialist in the team very well. If he'd just used his words, Iruka would have actually considered it. 
> 
> He still would have chosen to be a teacher, but he would have gone along with some seals learnin' anyway.


	9. OMAKE 4: Clanner Shinobi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clanner shinobi are just plain _weird_ , a novel by Iruka.

Shisui was a Clanner, through and through. At first it was just weird things like, he'd just put on the nearest clean shirt, and pile all their laundry together. It wasn't a bad thing, and they more or less were the same size growing up, and you could believe it was a habit he'd just retained as they stayed together. 

After all it was always easier to just chuck their laundry together in the same place. 

But he'd use whatever toiletries was in the bathroom, not caring that Iruka got his shampoo _special_ to work with his conditioner, and half the time the shampoo was like, 10% left and the shampoo is not _cheap_ okay! 

"There's still shampoo," Shisui said confused. 

"That's the cheap ass stuff Kakashi-senpai uses!" Iruka yelled, "I don't use that!" 

Maybe it was just the whole, communal living thing. 

But then there were more weird quirks. 

"I can't just devote individual teaching to every child," Iruka said. "Six hours a day for each child is impossible - I have twenty kids!" 

"Just get a different teacher for them then," Shisui had said. 

"Teachers don't grow on trees!" 

Or that time when Iruka had been moaning about one of the kids who was a little lying liar. 

"He's not even very good at it, which I might almost appreciate it but for fuck's sake kid, just admit it!" 

"Use a genjutsu to interrogate him," Shisui suggested, "I'd just sharingan him but you don't have sharingans." 

"I can't just -what?" 

"It's good to start interrogation training early," Shisui said. 

"Shisui. Reiki is _six_." 

"So? I started at three." 

Or - 

"What on earth are you playing on the player," Shisui said. "Argh, it's insipid." 

"It's a children's song," Iruka said, "Trying to set these to the music for the kids to learn." 

"Why, are they going to perform it?" Shisui scowled at the thought. Tenzou was the only one who attended Iruka's school performances with any trace of enjoyment - Shisui always tried to find a mission the week of. 

"What? No, of course not, they already know the song, it's just easier for them to memorise the terms this way." 

"That's just another weird song to learn. Just give them a scroll and make them memorise it. Don't let them have lunch till they do." 

"Okay, number one, I can't NOT FEED my seven year olds LUNCH, and two, it's not a weird song, it's basically a lullabye all the kids have grown up learning. It's easier because they already all know it, it's familiar." 

A beat. 

"What's a lullabye?" 

Clanner shinobi were just plain _weird_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trollololol
> 
> Just sharingan your kids to sleep! Why do you need lullabies?


	10. OMAKE 5: Fruit Basket

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Itachi had to wait till he was twelve before he could take the Academy Graduation Exam.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For @telosphilos

Itachi knew he was - could be - considered a genius. Other than his cousin Shisui, he had been the youngest one to master the Great Fireball technique, and while it had been nowhere as big as Shisui's, the fact that he'd mastered it before the age five was a huge talking point amongst the Clan. 

He also knew that his parents and the Elders chafed at the minimum age requirement. By the age six, Itachi had mastered everything in the syllabus and basically, according to them, had to sit around waiting till he was twelve. 

(Yondaime-sama had all their birth records it wasn't like they could fudge Itachi's age. If they could, they'd have fudged Shisui's more than five years ago and encouraged him out of the compound earlier. Some parts of the compound were still smouldering.) 

But it was actually pretty nice - for six whole years, Itachi got to do nothing except train at his leisure, read, play with his baby brother, and wander around Konoha since he was an adult by Uchiha-standards. 

The day before he took his own Academy Graduation Exam, he sent Yondaime-sama a fruit basket. 

*** 

"What are those," Kakashi said, eyeing the weird fruit on Minato's desk warily. They were red and had weird little green-tipped protrusions. 

He prodded one. 

It had a tiny bit of give that meant it was a thick-skinned _something_. 

It probably was a fruit. If it was some sort of animal, Kakashi would set it on fire. 

"A gift," Minato said. "It's nice to be appreciated for my edicts isn't it?" 

"Which edict? The one where you increased the ramen budget for the Village, or the one where you basically send Shisui to harass Kiri-nin?" 

"Ramen is what keeps the Village going," Minato said. 

"You mean it's the one that prevents Kushina from eating you," Kakashi said, and prodded the weird fruit again, "So you foisted the cost onto the Village." 

"I'm hokage now, brat, I can do what I want." Minato grinned. "Want one? It's from an Uchiha, which is really nice - the Uchiha kind of hate everything I even think of, and yet here there is proof of Village Cohesion.' 

He indicated the tiny little card that was edged in gold gilt, and Kakashi picked it up. 

_Thank you Yondaime-sama, for preventing anyone from being jounin as early as Hatake Kakashi was._

"That's not gratitude, that's insulting _me_ ," Kakashi pointed out. 

"No Uchiha has ever said thank you to me," Minato-sensei said, beaming. 

"I say thank you all the time," Obito said, coming in and dumping a pile of paperwork on Minato-sensei's desk. "Thank you for making me your fucking assistant, sensei, I _love_ having no time on weekends." 

Minato waved his hand at Obito. 

Kakashi just frowned. 

Uchiha Itachi huh. 

***

"This is the fourth fruit basket," Kakashi said. "Why does he have so much time to send you fruit baskets? He's supposed to be a genin now, what is his jounin-sensei _doing_ , giving him so much free time?" 

"Eh, if you'd taken him on as the jounin-sensei," Minato said breezily, "you could be the one ensuring his exhaustion. Want some mangosteen? It's very sweet just -" 

He paused as they both contemplated the fruit. And it's splatter all over Kakashi's hand and shirt. Kakashi looked up and glared at Minato. 

"It stains," Minato finished. 

*** 

"They're not _thank you_ fruit," Kakashi insisted after the tenth basket, "Itachi has a _crush on you_!" 

"It's very nice that he's managed to get all of my favourites," Minato said. 

"What on earth is that disgusting thing?!" 

"Durian. My new favourite. Want to try it?" 

***

"You're going to run out of your allowance soon," Shisui said, propping his chin on Itachi's shoulder, watching him carefully write the next card. 

_Thank you yondaime-sama for ensuring that all new jounin will have had plenty of time to get a full grounding in the basics._

"Yondaime-sama likes them," Itachi said. 

"And driving Kakashi-senpai up the wall is just a bonus, huh," Shisui said, dryly. 

Itachi hummed, and stuck it to the giant pineapple. "I have no idea what you mean, cousin," Itachi said blandly. "I am just showing my appreciation to Yondaime-sama." 

Shisui sniggered.  


* * *

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Itachi finds driving his Idol, Cousin Shisui's Senpai up the wall absolutely HILARIOUS. 
> 
> Yondaime-sama is discovering New Fruit 
> 
> Everyone is happy. 
> 
> Except Kakashi.
> 
> the first fruit Kakashi poked suspiciously at is [Dragonfruit.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pitaya)
> 
> Why not have all the tropical fruit I can dump into this? Kakashi would probably have preferred a papaya to the durian.


	11. OMAKE 6: In the Dark of the Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the middle of the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This takes place very close after the end of Chapter 3.

_Without Tenzou to protect him, Iruka had almost died._

_Sheer luck had Aoba getting back just in time to save him from getting his rib cage smashed in, and if Aoba hadn't insisted, there had been a good chance that the other surviving chuunin teammate would have left Iruka to die._

_Iruka had nearly died at Konoha's gates._

* * *

"- Mizuki, registration number 011141." 

Mizuki blinked and tensed at the new voice, and… 

Absolute lack of chakra signature. 

The only light was from his window, slanting in moonlight and when he turned he could see - a shadow. 

And a pale bone-white mask. 

ANBU. 

There were only two reasons for ANBU to show up in your room in the middle of the night, and as much as Mizuki was ambitious, he hadn't completed enough showy A-ranks to be recruited. 

A shiver went through his spine. 

"That is your registration number." 

It wasn't a question. 

"Yes," Mizuki said, and he sat up. "I didn't do anything _wrong._ " 

"The first rule of shinobi," the ANBU said, and his voice was low, hollow from the mask, "Is the mission above all else. Those who break the rules are trash." 

"But I - I've never failed a mission!" Mizuki exclaimed because what on earth was going on? 

"Ne, Taicho," a second voice said, and Mizuki jerked his gaze to the window. 

He hadn't even seen him at first - but there was a second ANBU perched on the window sill, his white armour dark grey from the shadows. 

"But I've heard you say, 'but those who abandon their teammates are worse than trash'. Isn't that right?" 

Mizuki looked between them both, feeling a cold sweat break out under his shirt. "I finished the mission! You can't execute me for that!" 

"I'm just confirming you are Mizuki, chuunin," the first ANBU said. "I'm on duty. Of course there is no unsanctioned execution." 

Mizuki didn't have any time to relax - 

"Funny thing is," the second ANBU said, and he reached up, taking his mask off. Uchiha Shisui smiled at him, eyes glowing red and teeth white. "I'm off duty. Even funnier?"

He spun his mask and tossed it to the first ANBU, who secreted it amongst his cloak and disappeared into the shadows. 

Mizuki tried to lunge for the kunai he kept under his pillow - but rope shot out and grabbed his wrists and ankles - rustling tight and twisting around, harsh bark - 

It wasn't rope. 

"You were his friend back in the Academy. How _interesting_." 

Uchiha Shisui leaned forward, and Mizuki's vision filled with red and black and red.

"Let's have a chat, shall we?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi: I have patrol at the hospital. As far as I know, my teammates are home. In fact, Shisui might even be burning the kitchen down as I speak. 
> 
> Shisui: *goes and burns down the kitchen to lend it some credibility* 
> 
> Kakashi: oh no. You burned down the kitchen, Shisui. Oh no. I am shocked.


	12. OMAKE 7: Nikuman

"Aww the nikuman has cooled down," Iruka said, poking the bun. 

"Just heat it up, pass it here- " 

"No! I'll just use the microwave!" Iruka snatched the buns out of shisui's reach, and shoved them into the microwave.

"Last time I tried to microwave food," Tenzou volunteered shyly, "It never was enough?" 

"Put it in on high for ten minutes," Shisui said authoritatively. "That'd heat it up properly." 

Seven minutes later, Kakashi was in the kitchen staring at the counter in dismay . 

"Why is the microwave on FIRE?!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOTE: 
> 
> So Rikacain was reading this article [Here](https://www.google.com/url?q=http://ej.mazii.net/news/3003cd02aef122e8d3b97d364a32df23&sa=D&source=hangouts&ust=1575105361541000&usg=AFQjCNFNR5tG6eQA5MUu9cUSJWBgy7d6DQ) in Japanese where the Japanese fire department warned that warming a nikuman (meat bun) in the microwave for more than 6 minutes can have it catch fire because of the evaporated moisture causing the very carb-heavy bun to turn into kindling. 
> 
> So of course Shisui would set it on fire.


	13. Omake 8: Distraction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They needed a distraction

"We need a distraction," Iruka said. 

"Yes, but we're all low on chakra, stupid low, and it's not like we can use a tag without alerting the shinobi guards," Shisui said, voice low. 

"That's fine, I can distract," Iruka said. 

"You still failed seduction 101," Shisui pointed out. 

"Haha," Iruka said. "Just get ready on my signal." 

They were all used to Iruka's _signals_ , so everyone stepped back hurriedly, except for Tenzou, though that was because Tenzou was mildly unconscious. 

Iruka's mouth settled into a firm stubborn line, and Shisui could see that he was gearing up... 

They were going to have to come back round to pick up two unconscious bodies later, Shisui thought in despair as Iruka made his way across to the darker side of the encampment - Shisui could still make out what he was doing in the dark, he had better eyesight than Kakashi-senpai...

And then Iruka crouched down and - 

Struck a rock against his kunai, spark jumping out onto the dry grass. 

_Katon no jutsu_ , Shisui saw Iruka mouth, and Iruka had been looking STRAIGHT AT HIM and Shisui was going to give him such SHIT LATER the little SHIT HEAD.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So on Narutopedia's page on Fire Release: 
> 
> Trivia: 
> 
> "Katon-no-jutsu" is a real-life ninja art, examples of which include distracting guards by starting a fire away from the ninja's planned point of entry.
> 
> me: TROLLOLOLOLOLOLOL
> 
> Also, does throwing a rock count as earth release? :D


End file.
